Top 10 Ways to Plan a Revenge

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I was just surfing through net for some trivial “research” on this topic with a preconceived notion that shouted in my head- Why am I even doing it? It’s not like people would look for such things on net- stuffs on how to kill someone or how to break-out from a prison. But it’s amazing how conveniently Google has brought to fore human’s deepest, darkest desires that might seem very commonplace now. I mean it’s okay if you want to know how to make your favorite recipe of chocolate cheesecake or may be even Origami. But how to make Crystal Meth in your school lab? Really?

Coming to the topic, I came through various ideas- some funny, some crazy and some borderline creepy! Its okay if you wish the person to drown in the fish bowl he keeps so disturbingly close, but you wouldn’t spend your glorious years digging a swimming pool on his porch for that! People have suggested ideas that can put thousands of kindergartners to shame in the creativity factor.

Actually, when you go deep (like I did by going to the dark alleys of the page-2 of Google search results), you’ll find that avenging someone is like a reflex action in most humans- the moment you are hurt by anyone, you either retaliate by showering them with your rather bountiful collection of expletives or by some physical, mature act of tripping them over your shoes. It’s innate- like drooling while seeing the Masterchef people baking on screen) or shooting your boss every time you see him in your head.

Now, if I get hurt by someone, I just say- “Ugh! You are stupid” and get on with my life, because really, I can’t spend my whole time ruining just one person’s life when I can spend that time being more productive- like hanging from a tree and throwing bananas at creepily staring weirdos, or may be figuring- “Kya mere toothpaste me namak hain?” But then, you guys can do better than that; may be, even invent a time machine where you can go back in time when that person was seeing the light of the world for the first time and just when the doctor says- “It’s a …” run out of the room screaming- “The Satan is here, the Satan is here!

Okay, now since I have to make an official, concise, NUMBERED list for all of you who prefer your latte with a 3.14 oz cream on the top, steamed milk and chocolate sprinkled to the left side only, here’s a powerpoint presentation with pie-charts for you :

10. Delete all their playlists

Seriously! There’s nothing else that freaks me out more than this. I sometimes try to avenge myself like that (weirdness alarm; Ignore!)

When you count the average number of hours a person spends just putting together his favourite songs to match his mood while he’s sleeping, eating, crapping- it far exceeds the number of hours one spends in a traffic jam in Bangalore streets (and that folks, is HUGE!). Nothing kills a mood more than a badly placed song, and nothing more than having to re-arrange them again and again. It makes me want to kill myself.

09. Switch their sugar to salt


You have to agree- this is the classic one. Nothing satiates you more than the reaction on his face when he drinks his tea that tastes like sweat. It will definitely make him remember all the sins he has committed since he first soiled mom’s new bed-covers and will make him beg on his knees for repentance.

08. Make a box-office smashing movie on the story


Now this might require some effort. But then, you might become a multi-millionaire star after it, so who cares?! Look at all the movies made on the theme of revenge- The Gangs of Wasseypur series, The Godfather, V for Vendetta, Inglourious Basterds, Django Unchained, Kill Bill- in fact, the brand Tarantino survives on just that one little word- Revenge. The fun part is- you can manipulate the parts where you were wrong, get to tell the story from your point of view, and you can even kill off the person at the end. Such a happy story!

p.s- For the less motivated, a video gone viral would do too.

07. Give their phone number to telemarketers


This would be the ultimate nightmare. The guy wakes up at 3 in the morning, hoping to hear the sweet voice of that hot girl he was dreaming about and instead, he gets- “Are you suffering from insomnia? May be herpes? Or constipation! We have the perfect solution for you- …”. Or better still, put his number on Craigslist. Get him to sell posh bungalows, Jacuzzi, freaky underwear, used self-help books; sign him up on weird sites and let him drown in the spam. I bet you’ll never hear from him again.

06. Get them coffee and spill it on them

Angry business woman with chaos on workspace. Dirty desktop

“Oops, I’m sorry!” *evil grin* If you know his dearest shirt, then Bam! You might even successfully remove all his faith in humanity. Now I won’t suggest doing this on girls because you know- “Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned”. And a woman hath no fury greater than her dress spoiled. You may have seen the Grudge series, Kill Bill, The girl with the dragon tattoo, Shutter; ever wondered why most of the horror movies have female haunting spirits? Yeah, that’s right. They are never done with you. You might want to steer clear from that.

05. Use his toothbrush to clean the toilet. Put it back


He’ll never know what hit him. And while you are at it, you could also try putting his stuff (socks specially) in haphazard drawers, clothes in the refrigerator and milk in his drawer. Or steal their pet and turn it against him.

04. Get a bill board and tell the world


Since you are spending so much time and energy reading this list, you might as well spend some money and do this epic hell of an idea. It works best for backstabbing people like those cheating behind their spouse’s back. For best effects, get a billboard exactly like the one in the picture. You might get a chance to earn respect in your area as well as the internet world. People would know better than to mess with you. Atta boy/girl!

03. Release a rat in his apartment


A pair of procreating rats would be perfect. Watch the person throw himself out of his own house after a few hours. And when the exponentially increasing population reaches the carrying capacity of the apartment, watch the house explode and rain rats on his face! (or cockroaches…your pick).

I don’t know how but rats always find a way into my lists. They are all over the place- the sink, the shelf, the tub, and now, my mind. Stupid rats!

02. Be filthy Rich


Yeah yeah, I know Money is not the solution to everything, but money can definitely buy you solutions through the various consultancies mushrooming in every nook and corner of the trade-street for every mundane problem encountered- from your creaky bed to that rotten cabbage you have in your sock. May be you can own one!

There are numerous possibilities what you can do with the extra money. You can buy a cloning machine that supplies you the person’s clone whenever you feel like killing him. A few extra bucks might help you buy his soul and trade it for peanuts to Satan. Having money to burn might also come in handy for that time travel thing we talked about.

01. Get a Life!


I can’t stress this enough people. You have a life to live. You are NOT just a part of a plan to ruin somebody else’s. You know what people hate the most? When you ignore them and carry on as if nothing’s wrong. And I know it best because I’m ignored all the time! It’s like having an invisibility cloak on you or something, except when the boss asks who messed up the reports. Trust me, nothing hurts more than feeling like you don’t exist.

So, just let it go. Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die (which is probably what I’m doing with the rats right now). You have your passions to follow, your dreams to achieve, your desires to be fulfilled. Don’t waste that valuable energy on someone else’s life.

As Confucius rightly says- “Before you embark upon a journey of revenge, dig two graves”

So, let Inner peace teach you to be a true Kung-fu master :)

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